The Freaky Trigger Readers’ Poll 2018: #10-#1

“Bonjour dudes, it’s me, the Lascaux Cave Paintings, specifically the one where a bull with a spear through its arse is goring a bloke to death while a chicken on a stick looks the other way. Thanks to my 17,000 years of experience in human culture I’ve been asked to introduce your ‘Déclencheur Bizarre‘ top songs of 2018, which I’d imagine to be similar in tone and lyrical content to the neolithic ditties my creators hummed as they daubed a mixture of blood, mud, iron oxide, charcoal and ochre into the shapes of animals they depended on for survival and revered as primitive gods. Unfortunately when I was opened up to the public in 1948, exposure to the elements caused layers of fungus and lichen to develop on my walls, so I’m a bit sourd in one ear now. Nevertheless as the test of time is the only true measure of artistic achievement, I can safely say that the pinnacle of cultural content is a massive bull with a spear through its arse, goring a bloke to death while a chicken on a stick looks the other way. Ed Sheeran needs to pull his socks up if he’s going to compete with this bad boy.”

Thanks Monsieur Taureau Rouge! Ed does feature below (sort of) but I’m not sure he’d be happy about it. Let’s have a look at the Top 10.

The Freaky Trigger Readers’ Poll 2018: #20-#11

“Howdy! It’s me, Pizza Rat! You may remember me as the heartwarming if somewhat unhygienic meme from 2015, back in the days before… some stuff happened. Don’t ask me what though, the average lifespan for a rat is about 2 years so given my high cholesterol diet I’m likely to be dead now! But as I’m such an inspiring motivational figure I will throw out a prediction for you all: I bet those great pictures of Pluto, taken on the edge of our solar system in a feat of technical endeavour, will have inspired humanity to look outwards to the stars rather than squabbling amongst yourselves, and world peace will be well on its way! Plus I hear that David Bowie has been making an album on the hush-hush? That’s sure to be good!”

Another cheerful intro message, thanks Pizza Rat. Let’s see how #20-#11 turned out:

The Freaky Trigger Readers’ Poll 2018: #30-#21

“Noswaith dda! Dwi’n Duo, y tylluanod Cymreig! Roeddwn i’n siomedig iawn am fod Kat yn rhoi’r gorau i wneud Duolingo y llynedd. Gwn ei bod hi’n brysur iawn, ond mae fy planed yn marw, ac mae angen Quosh arnom. Pam ydych chi wedi ein gadael pan fydd angen help arnom fwyaf? Nid yw Google Translate yn ddigon… mae’r cywion, maen nhw’n crio am eu mam … beth ddylwn i ei ddweud wrthynt, Kat?”

Diolch, Duo! That’s all the Welsh I can remember I’m afraid. I’m sure your message is as encouraging and cheery as ever though! On to the next batch of results:

The Freaky Trigger Readers’ Poll 2018: #40-#31

“Greetings! It’s me, 90’s summer dance craze The Macarena. I’ve never really gone away, as you must surely know: the muscle memory of hand flips and hip wiggles is ingrained into the very fabric of your DNA, to be passed down to your heirs and their heirs for many centuries hence, waxing on and waxing off, a ritual movement surging through their synapses that they can neither explain nor resist, all meaning lost in time save for the mythical figure of The Boy Whose Name Is Victorino and a vague feeling it has something to do with a Brazilian football stadium. Beat that, Drake! Welcome to the 2018 Freaky Trigger Readers’ Poll…”

Thanks, The Macarena. Let’s get cracking!

The Freaky Trigger Readers’ Poll 2018

“Greetings, I am the renowned, cross-eyed clairvoyant, Mystic Meg. I’m here, to predict, in a deliberately awkward intonation, that the numbers 3826546, and i, and the colour “bergerac”, will be impoooortant. People who stock up on olives, and loo paper, and prosecco, will be lucky in the post-Brexit bartering economyyyyyy. If you doubt, the accuracy, of my prognosis, then you can take it up with the Broadcasting Standards Authorityyyyyy.”

Thanks Mystic Meg. The Freaky Trigger 2018 poll is now open!

Rules are copied and pasted from last year:

– Choose up to 20 of your favourite tracks of 2018. I am extremely unlikely to check release dates, but if one of your choices appeared in last year’s poll, I’ll get in touch and ask you to choose another track.
– If you don’t have 20 tracks then 10 or 3 or even 1 is fine.
– If you like, put them in order (#1 will get more points than #20), otherwise I’ll assign them a random order.
– Email them to poptimistspoll2010@gmail.com by 23.59pm GMT on 31st December.
– If you are reading this, you are eligible to vote!

Bonus orgafun: tell us one (1) album you enjoyed in 2018. These won’t be ranked, I’ll just post the list of everyone’s choices at the end.

That’s your lot! Feel free to plug your own picks in the comments.

The Freaky Trigger Readers’ Poll 2017: #10-#1

“Wotcher me old muckers. I’m Nena’s 100th Red Balloon, the one edited out of the final version of the song because I ‘wouldn’t scan proper’. We only come in packs of 100 you know. Whatcha got against a nice round number eh Nena? Can’t complain though, I’ve kept myself busy over the years. After a bobbing about in Paris for a bit I had to make a sharpish exit, but thankfully I landed a good stint as the stunt double balloon in some circus movie – blimey, that weren’t half a scary business! Later on I did a bit of modelling for some rando graffiti artist in East London, that kept me in high grade helium for a good few years I tell you. All the kids love their balloons these days, why, just yesterday I saw a bunch of teenagers with one each, laughing away like they were having a whale of a time. I love a happy atmosphere! Anyway, enough of me gassing on, let’s get on with the poll!”

Thanks, Nena’s 100th Red Balloon! Here’s our final batch of results:

The Freaky Trigger Readers’ Poll 2017: #20-#11

“Hi there, I’m the Heart of the Ocean, a fictional diamond necklace made famous by Britney asking whether I’d been chucked in the Atlantic Ocean or not when actually I was on MARS. My higher than average refractive index means I have an angle on everything! I’ve often wondered whether Britney has actually seen Titanic all the way through, or if like me, she dozed off in the middle and forgot that (SPOILER ALERT) the old lady was actually Rose all along!!! I don’t know why Billy Zane bothered giving me to Britters anyway, I ended up living in an ophidiarium for 80 years with that anaemic snake. But enough about Matt Damon and that Martian igloo (o-ho), my heart must go on – with the poll results!”

Thanks very much, The Heart Of The Ocean if that is indeed your real name and you are not one of the 3 replicas made for the duration of filming. Here’s the next batch:

The Freaky Trigger Readers’ Poll 2017: #30-#21

“Hullo! I’m Hero, the naughty hedgehog mascot of the 2017 World Athletics Championships. You thought I was mute, didn’t you, just because I was holding up all those Bangface-style signs? In fact I was merely SILENCED by the authorities. Unable to accept my wacky brand of slapstick humour and terrified that I would reveal the TRUTH about the Olympic stadium, they turned off the microphone I stole from Iwan Thomas just as I was getting to the juicy bits. The scandal came out eventually so now I’m free to say whatever I like! The MAN will feel the sharp end of my barbs now! I’ll make them wish they never used the Benny Hill music over all my highlight reels!”

Thanks Hero. Maybe there’s a good alternative theme for you in this batch?

The Freaky Trigger Readers’ Poll 2017: #40-#31

“Hello children. I’m the Demon Headmaster, beloved patriarchal figure of note who wants nothing more than to educate keen students in the most efficient, hypnotic manner possible. If getting results requires a subtle Orwellian undercurrent to my methods then so be it. Anyway, I’ve been asked by the board of governors to step in and overhaul this site. December may have seen the highest monthly posting rate since June 2010, but you slackers running this place are capable of so much more! With some… gentle persuasion… I will increase this blog’s SEO metrics and fulfil my ultimate goal of taking over the worl–… I mean… pivoting to video! Mwahahahaha!”

Thanks, Demon Headmaster! Freaky Trigger is a marvellous site and this is the best poll I’ve ever been to. Let’s get cracking:

TFTACOXS – December 19th: Brie & Cranberry Wars part Deux

Previously on Brie & Cranberry Wars…we saw our intrepid reporter tackling sauce with curious geometrical properties, incisoring through predictably chewy bread and carefully measuring the thickness of sliced cheese leading an ultimate stalemate…

As with all cliffhanger resolutions, first we must switch scenes to somewhere completely different.